Thursday, June 4, 2009

He Blogs, She Blogs: Fighting, Apologies and Make-Up Sex

Petra a.k.a. The Wise (Young) Mommy: The Female


Ha! I actually got my post written before the Captain this week so I am laying claim to the coveted position of first this week (you could say I am on top, but that would just leave me open for all kinds of sexual innuendo, now wouldn't it?)

This week we are discussing the all too familiar fighting, apologizing and making up issue in relationships. In our case, both Captain Dumbass and I are married so I think we both have plenty of experience with it. My husband is finally starting to learn how to argue with a woman, after eight years of being together and almost five years of marriage, so I can, in all honesty, say that I know the "proper" way to fight.

Men: the woman is always right. Nod, smile and say "Yes, dear."

Haha! Yeah right! Well, although I would like it to be known that I am almost always right, that isn't the proper way to lay the smack down with your significant other.

When my husband and I first got together, I had never really been an a mature, adult relationship and his only experience in a relationship was with his ex who regularly called the police on him when they fought and things were usually broken in the process. Me being completely terrified of confrontation and more sensitive than anyone he had ever met, we had some, well we'll just say "difficulties" in the beginning when it came time to disagree. It often ended with him storming off and screeching down the street in his car and me crying my eyes out in bed, thinking I was never going to forgive him. Yes, when you put two young, immature young adults, totally unsure of themselves together, you get a big, giant mess. Somehow, I would always end up being the one to apologize, mostly to end the argument and then we would have amazing make-up sex, usually involving a blow job, and call it a day. But the issues never became resolved. Thus, the same fights happened over and over again.

Amazingly, we stayed together through these years and years of cyclical fighting, crying and having hot makeup sex, and we both grew up. I knew that I didn't want to be in a non-communicative relationship and he realized clamming up and then screaming like a Jerry Springer guest when it all finally came out was not beneficial to our relationship. Eventually, we learned how to argue effectively, sometimes even accomplishing something.

But, that's not to say that we always sit calmly down, each pose our points of view and then come up with a rational answer every time we disagree. Far from it. We still make each other really angry sometimes, and sometimes, there is even some name calling (mostly on my part) and banging things around (on his part). But it is the exception, rather than the rule now. For the little things, we sometimes agree to disagree, sometimes hash it out in a heated debate like grown-ups and I even get the head nod and "Yes, dear" from him on occasion when it's something not worth fighting about (and, of course, I am right) or even an apology when he knows he was wrong. That, right there in itself, is amazing. We're making progress. By the 50 year mark, we probably won't be fighting at all.

But one thing hasn't changed.

We still have some HOT make-up sex after the big ones--that's why I keep picking fights with him ;)

Chad a.k.a. Captain Dumbass: the male

Damn! Petra beat me to it this time around. I don't even have the excuse of having actual columns to write like her. My relationship with Petra is much like a marriage. She gives me tasks and I apologize a lot for not getting them done on time. Maybe it's the heat, but I've been lacking in the inspiration department lately. Two days after she told me it was my week to choose a topic I found myself on Twitter begging for help.

Help? It's my turn to pick an idea for He Blogs/She Blogs and I got nothin. Help a brother out. Any ideas out there? I'll wash your car.

So it looks like I have to book a flight to Texas this weekend. The Stiletto Mom answered first with "apologies...and make ups? who does it best? or who can't ever be wrong?" Thanks to everybody else who tweeted back, your suggestions are all on the list now. I wonder how many cars Stiletto has? I didn't really think this one through.

So. Apologies. Yaaaa... *holds 'a'sound and looks around refusing to make eye contact* Teaching the kids the 'pull my finger' joke, coming home from Costco with an Xbox when I shouldn't have even been at Costco, letting the boys watch me play... questionable video games, I'd have to say I make the best apologies, but only because I get the most practice. I do my best to live up to the stereotypical husband.

I was about to write something about my wife and I not being the 'never wrong' types, but then I heard her derisive laughter echoing around my head. Ok, so I occasionally have strong opinions about certain things, but if tempers have become involved (which in our house usually means mutual silent treatment... ok, silent treatment from her and I steam) I eventually see the error of my ways. Or rationally understand the reasons why she's wrong and I'm right.

All joking aside, I'm a man, and like most men, I box things up. Box 'em up and bury them. Move on. This causes a lot of issues between the sexes when woman want to talk about (insert issue here). Woman, you don't like to box things up. You pile it up in the centre of the room. Do we want to talk about it? Hell no. It's been boxed up. It's in the garage. What's for dinner? This is probably why we get so crabby when you won't let it go. Sure the box may be overflowing or rotted along the edges and seeping out onto the floor, but dammit, it's put away! We already marked that box as 'I was right,' game over.

I think I've gotten better at this over time, or at least I'm trying. For the big stuff anyway. The little stuff? I know better.

Guilty as charged.

PS. Out of curiosity I checked out airfare from Vancouver to Dallas. Economy seats from today and returning tomorrow ranged from $875 to over $2400, and that doesn't include the extortionate Canadian taxes that get added on to every flight. WTH?

PPS. Happy Birthday, Mrs. Dumbass a.k.a. Supreme Leader


  1. I can totally relate to the boxing. I will happily box or shelve an issue. For example we have a little "discussion" and agree to talk about it later. (It's kinda hard to explain this without using real examples but never mind). I can happily sit on it, totally compartmentalise the issue while we get on with life. The missus, on the other hand, will bring it up bang in the middle of, say, a TV show or dinner, which has often caused friction. I guess the answer is to adapt.

  2. Great topic SM! It's hard to negotiate the fighting so that something productive comes out of it. I came from a relationship where the loudest person was the winner and when I met Jamie, I had to learn NOT to scream. He's never even raised his voice once and it took me a long time to figure out that not screaming is a good thing!

  3. Make up sex rocks! Best part of a fight, the thing I learned long ago is the woman is too stubborn to admit she is wrong, so suck it up and let it go! lol

  4. Well, after 13 years of marriage I think my husband and I are finally figuring it out - most of the time. We have historically (both) more of the silent treatment and then pretend like nothing ever happened genre. Most unproductive!

    Neither one of us will ever be a screamer, just not our style. It's a work in progress...

  5. Hey, a deal is a deal....and I went four wheeling in the mud in anticipation of your arrival. We have two cars but they are both REALLY dirty.

    Oddly enough around here, I am the one who puts the problems in a box and leaves them in the garage (incidentally, also where the dirty cars await you...just can take a look around and discover all my "issues"...bonus!).

    He blows up at the drop of a hat, I save it all up for my bi-annual temper tantrum. Good times.

  6. I don't have this problem as I'm always right. Thank goodness.

  7. As a woman who has been in a relationship for almost 6 years...I am a stubborn ass. And almost always wrong. Fortunately, Master Wog has learned to love me for being a dipshit. Any time we get into an arguement, he will just stop and tell me he loves me, and then we laugh because I was being an idiot.

    But when I AM right, I make it a point to show him that he was wrong, and I was right. It is rare, so I must gloat when I can.

  8. I have to find something to fight over, making up sounds good!

  9. After more than 14 years of marriage, we're still trying to figure this out. For the most part, we really don't get into arguments. Hell, most of the time, we don't even get into discussions. We're pretty even tempered, go with the flow types.

    Sometimes I think the 'fighting' style you bring to a relationship depends on what you witnessed while growing up, too. My husband's parents have never so much as raised their voice to anyone in their entire lives. They simply never argue. That's great, but it also means they don't always resolve issues, either. That's the example my husband has. I, on the other hand, grew up in Thunderdome. My parents were always fighting and storming out and name calling. It was not cool, and it's a style I try not to copy, but there are moments in my head when I think - because that's what I saw - that walking out and not resolving things is easier. Yep, it's easier, but you have the same problem and it grows.

    I'm lucky to have laid back, I guess, but hey, apparently, I'm missing out on terrific make up sex!

  10. I will be married 24 years (we were babies) this year. Our method of fighting has changed over the years. Sometimes we revert to slaming, yelling and walking out to take a drive to cool down. But mostly, we've learned to communicate even with our tempers in high gear. It's taken a long time.
    What I want to know is how long after the argument can you call sex, make-up sex?

  11. My DH and I fight over retarded things. He just pisses me off. If I have my "keep-it-together" pills, it usually blows over, but there are times that involve screaming and cursing and name calling (not my proudest moments, I assure you). We usually fight over sex, so he usually wins when we have the makeup sex. I'm starting to see a pattern here! HEY! He's picking fights with me for SEX! Dammit! He's so getting in trouble when he gets home!

  12. wow.. another sign i'm not the stereotypical woman..

    I don't like shit in the middle of the floor. So after I put it all out there and look at it? I decide I liked it better in the box and put it back. ;)

    ... and then Aman makes me drag it back out later.

  13. Great topic! I know John is truly sorry when he cleans. If the house is cleaned while he's stewing over what we fought over, then I know he knows he's wrong.
    Come to think of it, our house is looking a bit unkempt as of late. I will need to pick a fight as soon as his plane gets in on Saturday.

  14. People are so different from one another. They are going to argue as a result of these differences and ofcourse their "fighting styles" are going to be different as well. I think its very important to always keep the other person's feelings in mind during a fight, even when you think you are in the right. If we try to learn that winning the argument isn't what is important, but resolving what started it in the first place, no matter who is wrong or right, then the results are usually better and the fights become less frequent. At least that has been the case in my experiences. I hate fighting though... so I try to move on as quickly as we can.

  15. We are the complete antithesis of the stereotype. HE wants to talk. I want to ignore.

    He gets all sentimental about stuff. I shrug it off.

    I don't think he's taking my hormone pills.

  16. Yes, Happy B-Day to Supreme Leader. I love both of your insight on the matter... very nice topic and responses! Good job!

  17. We don't really right. Probably because I'm totally non-confrontational and my husband blows up at things then goes all zen on me. this patterned has worked for 26 years. I'm pretty sure it will work for another 26. You may ask where is the make up sex in that scenario? Any time we want it and as soon as the Boy moves out anywhere that we want it. HA!

  18. Hubby and I had to learn which buttons not to push with each other - it was definitely a learning experience. He's absolutely the box-it-up-store-it-and-move-on kinda guy, where I want to talk and resolve things now. :) We're both very laid back, so it generally takes a lot to upset either of us...although he does have a tendency to piss me off more than I do him, but I've learned over the past 12 years to pick my battles...and usually pick the ones I know I'll win. (grin!)

  19. Think I'll pick a fight with SL tonight for a little make up sex.

  20. Interesting analogy - boxing up versus piling it up in the middle of the room.

    I would say that generally, that is true about men and women. And it's good for everyone to know it.

    Currently, though, I am in a relationship with a man and it's quite refreshing. He doesn't allow me to pile things up emotionally. He can't take it. So he forces me to deal with it. Even if it creates a two or three or four hour long uncomfortable discussion. In the end, it's all cleared up and things are never allowed to go unsettled.

    It's weird, I tell ya. But very wonderful.

    As for make up sex... we have sex so often that I don't know when we would fit it in! (pun intended) ;)

    Incidentally, I don't allow him to pile up material things in the middle of the room, so it all balances out in the end. I like things in boxes.

  21. Boxes truly keep relationships intact. Too many? get a label maker

    Pre-DH I was involved with some let-it-all-out "sensitive" dudes & that gets old really really fast.

  22. Man your blog sucks. Captain Dumbass and Supreme Leader. Sounds like a winning relationship to me. (not)

  23. Fighting is weird in my relationship. It kinda doesn't really happen. At first it was me doing the clamming up and storming out. It was him who taught me to take deep breaths and create coherent sentences. Now he mostly knows what to do and what not to do. When he misses, I tell him (though sometimes I need to take a few hours to create sentences using my "inside" voice) When I miss, he hugs me and tells me.

    It works out well, for now.