Thursday, May 14, 2009

He Blogs, She Blogs 2.0: The Bathroom

Captain Dumbass (The Male)

He Blogs/She Blogs, been awhile, hasn't it? It's like we're coming back from summer vacation or something. How do you like the new digs? I'm thinking we should hang a picture or two. So for our inaugural post on our new site we're taking on the contentious issue of the bathroom.

So who spends the most time in the bathroom? As this is HBSB I'm sure you're expecting me to rant on about how long my wife takes and blah blah blah? Well that's not going to happen. I could pull the man card here and tell you Supreme Leader takes forever in the can and then fart and scratch myself, but she reads my posts and our couch is not comfortable. I take the longest in the bathroom. There, I said it. It's me. In my defense though, she's really really small so there is a lot more of me to clean. Plus, all my best ideas come to me when I'm in the shower, so I need extra time for artistic development. It's a good thing I don't have a white board with waterproof markers in there or I'd never get out.

Like that counter top? I think that when my house was built in 1977 they gave Mrs. Roper a bag of blow and asked her to come up with the colours. So that's my arsenal, the whole thing. Not sure how it eats up so much time, but it does. I will also admit to taking longer on the throne. But that contributes to mental health. I grab a book, lock the door and hole up in my Fortress of Solitude for a few moments of peace. The rabid monkeys can beat on the door all they like, but they can't get me. HA HA HAAAA!

I have a question for all the ladies? What gives with the beauty products? Specifically, the gross tonnage you acquire over the decades but can't seem to part with? That mascara from your senior prom? Time to go! The last ounce of conditioner that's been haunting the back of the shower since Clinton was in office? I think you can part with it now. The nasty shaving gel cans that are all crusty and rusting around the bottoms? Ick. I'm lucky in that Supreme Leader is not so bad at this. Not so bad.

I let my wife read this before I sent it off. She laughed, but at the end there was a look that promised retribution. Stinging retribution. The kind that drags on and makes you wish you were dead. Alright, maybe not, but there was a promise of something in her smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.

Ah, He Blogs, She Blogs, how I have missed you so! It's nice to be back, isn't it? Today we are taking on the topic of the bathroom, since we all know that there is plenty to wax on about when it comes to men, women and the bathroom. Men stink it up, women stay in there too long. Women love candles and potpourri and sometimes there are towels that are just too pretty to use, while men will not think twice before lathering up their nether-regions with the most beautiful hand carved lavender soap (how rude!). But none of those issues are what sticks out in my mind when I think about my introduction to sharing a bathroom with a member of the opposite sex.

If there was one thing that I was unprepared for when I hastily moved in with my now-husband, then boyfriend of six months, it was the bathroom issue. Little did I know that this little, tiny room, so small compared to all the rest of the rooms in the house, could cause so much tension, grief and misunderstanding in our relationship. As a naive young lass of 21 years old, I faced a harsh lesson in male/female relations and quickly got a crash course in the bathroom practices of the male homosapien.

First of all, the magazines next to the toilet were NOT to be removed and put back in the magazine rack. As a woman, I have always spent a maximum of three minutes or so on the throne, unless I was having some kind of gastrointestinal distress or I was sitting on the toilet while watching a girlfriend do her hair. So the idea of needing reading material on hand next to the toilet baffled me. But I soon came to find out why my man needed stimulation during elimination, when he would actually schedule his trips to the bathroom because he needed THAT much time.

Nor did I realize that after spending that 20 minutes in the bathroom he may actually come out and say to me "Hey, you have to come look at this!" Yeah, I'm serious.

Now, as time went on, we began to fall into a routine with the bathroom and it became more comfortable. I got used to the little tiny hairs in the sink from shaving and not bothering to rinse out the sink after, and he got used to the shelves and shelves of hair products, creams and lotions that cluttered up the bathroom. I stocked up on air freshener and eventually didn't gag anymore when I entered after he had spent some quality "reading" time in there and he figured out which of the towels were not to be used because of the gorgeous embroidered flowers. Then the unthinkable happened.

One day, I found myself leaving the bathroom door open when I went to the bathroom. It just didn't seem necessary to close it and there was always the possibility that I would have something really important that I might need to shout to him in the other room while I was in there. Then came the day when he actually came into the bathroom while I was actually on the toilet to brush his teeth. There you have it folks. You have officially reached the point of no return when you are emptying your bladder and bowels in front of your significant other. Why stop there? Why not have conversations while he is in the shower while you do your hair? Or bring him new reading material when he is dropping kids off at the pool and doesn't have anything good to read?

Yup, that's true love.

So after eight years, he still complains about the abundance of products in the bathroom from time to time, and occasionally I throw up in my mouth a little bit when he drops a particularly pungent deuce, and I don't think that will ever change. And sometimes I even almost accidentally leave the door open at other people's houses when I go to the bathroom because I never do it at home. I have accepted that my days of having any kind of privacy or modesty are gone and sometimes I even appreciate the extra five minutes I get to talk to my husband when he is in the shower since I don't see him all that often.

If you had asked me 10 years ago if any of this would be so, I would have replied with a resounding "Hells no!" But life changes, folks, and you just have to "go with the flow."

No pun intended.


  1. GREAT! Now, I am also a reader! Shit, sometimes I blog in blog there! (Thanks wireless internet & laptop!) My GF has a shit ton of lady products too! all of which have like 1 fl oz left! toss it girl! Great debate folks!

  2. Excellent post.....glad to have you back!!

  3. OK seriously I am the one who goes around throwing away the bottles with just an oz of product left in them. Seriously, they just irritate me. Well clutter just irritates me.

  4. My nine year old son takes more time in the shower than I do and I have long hair to wash and I have to shave! He will stay in the shower until the hot water is GONE!

    Love your blog, I'm following now! :)

  5. I am ever surprised how every damn time I try to do something, anything, in the bathroom, my entire family of four ends up in there. WTF? A little privacy!?! Do we ALL have to be in here? Can we hold this meeting AFTER I've done my business?!?!

  6. I have a 9 year old girl and she's already learning the ropes of girly-hood by having tons of shit to use. Use on what? Who knows? But she has it.

    I have tons of crap, too, but it's stock, not stuff I use daily. If I find shampoo on sale, I'll buy several bottles and store 'em. I can literally go a whole year without buying shampoo once I stock up. I also stock up on hand soap from the fancy places like Bath & Body Works and Victoria's Secret when they have those massive blow out sales like 6 for $20 or something.

    That being said, privacy left the Dawg house a long, long, long time ago. Unless we have guests, the door is always open. LOML wanders in and out when I'm doing my business. I go in to do laundry while she's on the potty,'s a never ending revolving door.

    But, it's fine. It's the way I grew up, too, so the lack of privacy isn't an issue on our house. Never has been.

    I was only w/my ex for a month before we were farting in front of each other and doing our business while in the bathroom or while one was in the shower. It's just such a non-issue with me.

    Great beginning post! So glad y'all are back!

  7. This is horse shit!!!! I always wash the sink of my shaving hairs. Great Post Guys.
    Petra Husband

  8. I forgot about the evil that is potpourri and ridiculous towels that you can't use. Thankfully we don't have any of that.

  9. I PERSONALLY need my "reading" time to my self. Actually, I require it. MUST. HAVE. ME. TIME. Plus I just can't go with someone else right there. Weird.

  10. Excuse me, honey? Just yesterday I was cleaning up little hairs in the sink. I think you must be in denial. ;)

    But I still love you, little hairs, stinky poo and all <3

  11. Funny, my ex would NEVER come into the bathroom if I was in there, on the toilet. LOL! And he grew up with 5 boys, 1 girl, no mother, so I got used to checking to be sure the seat was down before sitting on the toilet in the middle of the night, in the dark. (no fear of me falling in anway... ass is too big now lol)
    My problem with John (my significant other) is he sometimes closes the LID of the toilet! I have no idea why. You don't know how many times I nearly peed on the closed lid in the middle of the night, in the dark.

  12. Captain— I agree some stuff seems to stay way too long. Sometimes when I'm looking for a hand cloth in the linen closet I find even more tucked away behind the towels because we cleaned out the bathroom and couldn't part with those half-used shampoo bottles.

    Petra— Does he have names for them… much like Eskimos have a thousand names for snow there must be at least as many descriptive names for **it. Think about it… sinkers, floaters, toothpaste… the list goes on.

  13. Adding a 2nd bathroom is one of the best things that ever happened to my life!!

  14. Every day...every dang day, I'm brushing my teeth with my right hand and washing down little hairs, some I am pretty damn sure didn't come from my husband's chin, down the sink with my left. Romance, baby. That is romance.

  15. I love that Captain can admit he's the one who takes the longest. Now of course we're all going to make fun but that's life. And you know, one day we may just use that little bit of conditioner or shampoo in that bottle. You have to mix and match products once in awhile. Love the Dora toothpaste btw, that was good.

    Petra - I'm okay with going in there when he's in the shower to brush my teeth or vice versa but as to doing anything else. Umm, no. Privacy please. I'd rather not know. And thank goodness between two boys in the house there is still one other bathroom if things get desperate.

  16. I'll go with the door open, but my husband won't. The only problem I encounter is that the damn dogs are in there with me. Of course then they'll drink out of the toilet...after I've flushed! Thank goodness.

  17. We do all of that. Hubs came to me a couple of months ago (like 18) and said that perhaps we should start closing the door so that we could have *some* mystery in our intimate journey as husband and wife. I was fine with it and now close the door with pride and satisfaction of 10 minutes alone. HE, on the otherhand, well let me put it this way. On the more romantic nights I find myself shouting "Could you AT LEAST close the door?!" To which he replies, "Can't, already sat down."


    Of course this doesn't apply to my children. My bladder and bowel are the biggest event in their minds, it seems.

  18. Captain - Do you really brush with Dora toothpaste?

    Petra - Those are the things that scare me most about living with a man... getting used to sharing my bathroom. I've had my own bathroom since I was 15 and don't know if I remember how to share...

    Great first post, guys!

    How about some dating advice for one of your upcoming topics (given my recent issues in the arena)?

  19. firstly, what is with the fruity toothpaste?

    i must have a mint-y kind to feel fresh.

    and i also read on the toilet (see IBS). or play with my blackberry. for shiz.

    but i've never asked anyone to look at my poop.

    and i HATE when my boyfriend comes into the bathroom to pee while i'm brushing my teeth...i totally gag and have to stop.

    i think he does it on purpose now to try and induce vomiting.



  20. Fun read. Found little parts of my marriage parked all over the place today.

  21. OMG I don't know how many times I've had to yell out about the non usable towels, we still haven't reached an understanding on that, but it's all out war if I find the tiny hairs in the sink!!!!!!

  22. Great posts from both of you!

    Captain, we are the same way. Aman also spends more time in el bano. Maybe it has to do with all the shaving.. but the only 'old cosmetic' that I have is the lipstick that I wore on our wedding day (and it still looks new, thankyouverymuch).

    Petra, the amount of time it takes men to eliminate will likely never cease to amaze me. I often find myself thinking 'Is he really not just sitting there? does it really take that long??' and yeah.. we cherish those times after soccer practice when I sit on the toilet while he showers.. when you have little kids in the house, you have to get quality time together when ever possible!

  23. Funny Stuff.

    Low maintance girl here. DH has far more stuff on the bathroom counter than I do. He also takes more time in the bathroom than me. I still have figured out why tho!

  24. A couple of points made above really struck true. The one about the rabid monkeys didn't as we don't have any rabid monkeys, just febrile hamsters...

    Funnily enough I'm the one who hates being interrupted when on the throne, my wife has come in to do her teeth once, but never again.

    My wife takes ages in the bathroom before going out, I have to plan in the delays to prevent us being hours late.

    And I don't understand why woman are so quick when dumping. There's nothing better than a wholesome long poo while enjoying a good book.

  25. Funny, I think John has more hair products than I do, I just don't care that much about the frizzies. And my stuff does not clutter the bathroom. I have one small bag of cosmetics that is probably expired since I've only used it a handful of times. Most of the stuff in there is Sprite's, the Excema cream, the little toothpaste tubes, the nail clippers, the kiddie toys that get thrown out of the tub. Can I blame the distress in our bathroom on her?

  26. LOL! Great post. And there is no way in hell I am ever emptying bowls or bladder in front of anyone. No way. I guaran-damn-tee it. This irritates Dr. Jekyll to no end; he seems to see it as some sort of trust issue. WTF? TO me it is a privacy issue. Finally I can get some time by myself. LOL
    @Just Jen: Ummm...there may be a reason he takes loooong showers until the hot water runs out. He's a bit young for that, but *shrugs*. I'm just sayin'. LOL

  27. Wow, when you read about this it hits home. One never thinks about all of that until now.

    I've gotten down to 3 shower items for years now. Shampoo, Conditioner, Body Wash. I do however have one drawer with endless supplies of old lipstick tubes that maybe someday I'll remember to grab and go replace that color. Sorry, it just accumulates and we don't mean it to happen.

    Yes, we have the show towels that are NEVER to be touched. (It's in the manual. Chapter 9 I think.)

    I LOVE talking to my boyfriend when he's in the shower. Life's too short, take all the time in the world when you can get it!

    Love the post!

    Happy Friday Eve!
    - Jennifer

  28. Me and my husband have been together for almost 5 years and I just peed in the bathroom with him in it for the very first time last night! I think its because I am pregnant and I just don't give a shit anymore.

  29. Great new format. And perfect for some luchtime humor reading.

  30. Great post! The whole thing is just too, too familiar. For the record, I'm in, I'm out. Two members of my family like to use the bathroom, the only working one, as a reading room. Drives me nuts. Two people in our bathroom is nuts, it's way too small (small house built in 1950s). Thanks for the laughs.

  31. This is a great post.
    I'm the bathroom hog not the hubby.

    I want to know what you think about trying to get some we time when the kids are around.

  32. been there...done that!
    Yes, men do take a looong time on the 'pot'! My husband takes his laptop in as HIS reading material. I still hate to keep the door open (plus I have two curious boys). What I hate is that he takes hours defecating, shaving and showering and then when I get in, he knocks and asks me exactly how long I'll take. Nowadays, I've stocked up on wet sponges to throw at him.

  33. Little hairs, you can’t possibly get every single one, its the effort involved that counts, i bet i capture and quarantine 99.9% off them though. Dont get me started on your bathroom hygiene. yeah, i bet your scared now. lol...
    Bear witness to my creation. i will admit that in my younger days, not any more of course, i have shown the fruits of my labor. lol..some times you need a witness to substantiate your claim as king crapper. im really not this immature. :)
    Petra Husband

  34. Yes, in my husband's defense, he has not showed me "the fruits of his labor," as he put it, in a very long time. That was more of an early 20's behavior. Now that he is in his 30's, he is much classier and mature.

    I know I am not without fault in the bathroom either. These are just all the things we put up with because no matter what, we always love each other!

    Right honey? Right? You better be nodding your head...

  35. I must be an odd duck, because I MUST have reading material in the bathroom. Even if I only read one line. *sigh* In addition, because I live alone, I leave the door open. Likely at some point that practice will have to stop ... apparently if only for a short period of time. Excellent blog!


  36. Welcome back to the land of the blogging. Glad to have ya.

    I usually end up spending the quality time at work. It's down right hard to hide the read material as you head down the hall.

  37. welcome back!!! so glad to see this back again. however, i just can't imagine EVER loving someone enough to let him be in the same while I am taking a dump or VICE no never never uhn uhn uhn....hell I can barely pee when I am in a public rest room....oy

  38. I think I'm a dude. My girl parts say otherwise but I'm a dude at heart. Well, a dude who spends less time in the bathroom than The Captain. And what's wrong with showing off the kids you've so proudly dropped off at the pool? We haven't made it to the pooping in front of each other stage but I'm sure that's next up.

    Glad to see you guys back, I like seeing your stuff all in one place so I can compare notes while it's still fresh in my mind.

  39. ah, the bathroom, the final frontier!
    Bet most of u all have more than 1 biffy.
    Back in the day, there was only 1 per
    house. Males definitely spent more time
    in there, think that's where Cpt. D. learned
    to read. No longer have kids pounding on the
    door, now there are dogs, howling outside the
    entrance to la la land.
    as to old cosmetics...ya, after seeing a documentary on how toxic old stuff can be,
    I finally let go of my 10 year old eye
    makeup and face powder.
    As, I now have to trowel it on, to cover the
    rough spots, I might as well just turn to
    the Walmart crap and say goodbye to Elizabeth

  40. I spend more time in the bathroom, but that's because we subscribe to so many magazines and how else am I going to read them all?

    And yes, the lotions, cremes, solutions, etc. have overtaken the bathroom counter, the shower, everywhere. Why you need three different "flavors" of hand lotion is beyond me.

    Cleanliness might be a draw. Her hair is everywhere, but I track baby powder across the floor.

  41. We have two bathrooms. The relatively large master bath is mine, and the tiny itsy-bitsy guest bathroom is Master Wogs. He isn't allowed in mine and vice versa. I am a total slob in the bathroom, I have to have AMPLE cabinet and counter space or my crap ends up in 'his' bathroom. I never put things back where they go and yes, I still probably have mascara from my senior prom.

    As far as the privacy...what privacy? The only reason I can't stay in the bathroom while he is going is because the pungent smell starts to burn off my nose hairs. So I stand in the hallway instead.

    Sadly, poop-time is where we get a good bit of our quality time. One of us is on the toilet and the other is a. in the shower, b. brushing their teeth, or c. bored as hell. True love? I agree!

    Great post ya'll!!!

  42. My husband takes forever in the bathroom, fixing his hair and whatnot, but I take longer showers. Captain, might I ask why you use Dora toothpaste? Is the fruity bubblegum flavor?

  43. I will say that hubby and I have no bathroom quarrels. But we have a two-sink affair, with an invisible line painted down the middle.

    The real problem is all those growing boys, who have yet to understand the subtleties of living with a woman. Even if she is their mom.

  44. Oh buh-jezzus am I late to the party here! Who knew you could have a party in the bathroom of all places.

    I admit to being one of those women the Captain talked about who can't part with that last bit in the bottom of the bottle. But seriously - that shit is expensive! Also? It totally annoys me that there is still lotion in the bottom 1/4 of my Aveeno container that I can't get at because the pump is stuck in one place.

    And - I hear ya about the open door, Petra. Even when I want privacy, someone is always barging in there!

  45. this is all so funny. true. but funny. The little shaving hairs (from trimming up the goatee...yeah those) are my pet peeve too. I have gotten over the underware on the floor and the have gotten him to go downstairs for the big productions. But, if and when we have to get ready at the same time in the morning there will be another sink going in somewhere in the house! 14 years is too long to have that be the end of us!

  46. Dude Captain! I am so jealous - Dora toothpaste?!?! I wish my husband would buy me some of that. And don't worry - you're not alone in the taking the longest in the bathroom - yeah, my hubs does that too. I once clocked one of his showers at 53 minutes!!!! yeah I know! Ugh!!

    Petra - I think you are like my daughter - she has to have the door cracked open when she uses the bathroom - even at school (weird I know!!!) a little girl has to stand in the doorway with her fingers in the door just to keep the crack of the door open and so she can know that there is someone there - don't ask - you know my kids have issues

  47. Somebody had to say it, somebody had to go there and thank god you guys did! I read both sides and it could be the same thing coming out of mine and hubby's mouth where the bathroom is concerned. I'm speedy and he savours his time in the shower or on the throne. I've got too many things to do and can't be wasting valuable time, I take care of the necessities and get out. You forgot to mention the whole toilet paper issue and which way it faces and the turmoil when it's facing the wrong way. For some reason my husband seems to think this as well as any other refillable things magically get 'bout over your way?